I’m bAAAAck…

Oh sheesh, it feels like I’ve been gone for a month!  I wish I could tell everyone that I have a beautiful bronze body from all of my laying on the beach or that I have Bo Derrick-style braids in my locks to show the world that I’ve been in the Caribbean, sippin’ on some rum, getting massages… whoa- how long was I asleep?  long enough to dream!

I did gain 75 more pounds from being on lockdown with the Princess as she recovered from her surgery.  She is doing wonderfully.  She does say that her “swallow” still hurts, but other than that she’s fine!

I was very nervous about her having this surgery.  Of course it’s never easy to have your child put under anesthesia but all that normal parental fear aside, I know 1st hand how fucking HORRIBLE awful terrible painful excruciating Bad-Bad-Bad it can be…

Here is my story…

I was a 21-year-old woman with chronic step, sore throats, all that shit.

Dr: “Oh hey, you need your tonsils removed!”

Me: “Cool,  (I just have to have surgery, I’ll get to miss work, lay around, be doped up, eat ice cream…) can we do it today?”

I was a moron.

I thought since I was so a custom to having my throat hurt like the fiery depths of hell, that surgery would be a cake walk.

I was a moron.

I had those little sons of bitches removed & all was good.  Well, all was okay... until, the scabs came off.  Yes, scabs.  When they get those things out, they cauterise your throat, instead of stitch.  For those that don’t know, that means they burn your shit closed to stop the bleeding.  Your throat scabs up the first few days as it heals.  You begin to think that you are heading out of the woods.  Then just when you least expect it…the scabs come off.  Which feels like someone is taking a cheese grater to your already sore throat.  By then -of course- you are out of your pain meds & the Dr’s are telling you that you’ve already had too much & they can’t give you anymore.  Well, that’s what they told me.  Sorry but I thought I was feeling better, er-go I may have double-dipped the pain meds toward the end.  I mean, what else are you going to do with them?  Anyway… it hurts like holy hell.

Thank God I was living with my mom at the time or else I think I may have died.  If it were up to my Tough Guy-boyfriend I would have surely died.

I woke up one night thinking, dag my mouth is watering like crazy!  I can’t swallow fast enough.  I rose from my bed & walking into the bathroom where I discovered that it was, in fact, not saliva.  I had blood pouring out of my mouth from the back of my throat.  There was blood everywhere.  I grabbed the nearest towel & headed to my mom’s room.  She got up & called the Dr while I held the towel under my chin to catch the blood.  The Dr did not seem too concerned & luckily after a while the bleeding tapered off.  I climbed back into bed never once waking the sleeping Tough Guy next to me -so I thought.

It wasn’t until the next day when I told him what happened that I realized that if I were ever going to need emergency care, I would be on my own…

Me: “Shit, I had blood shooting out of my mouth last night like a fountain!”

Tough Guy: “Yeah, I heard you go downstairs, I got up to pee & saw all the blood in the bathroom -looked like someone had been stabbed.”

Me: “You were up & didn’t think that you should check on me?”

Tough Guy: “Nah.  I knew your mom would help you.”

Me: “You, are my…opposite-of-hero.”


Day 6..with no end in sight.

English: Two tonsils removed from an adult.

Shu's Tonsils. Too bad they couldn't get us a container to bring them home in. Oh well this towel did the job...

Oh balls, I’m exhausted.

The Princess did amazing through the entire surgery process.  We made it through just fine.  There was not 1 tear shed beforehand and she didn’t cry either.

My husband about drove me to drinking (more than usual) because he can’t handle waiting.  The Dr’s said it was a 30 min surgery so of course 30 mins from kissing her goodnight he was about to storm the OR.  He could not for the life of him consider the time required to walk into the OR, the time it took getting her to sleep, the time it took for the Dr’s to walk out of the OR… so 45 mins after the time we left her, I began to think that this procedure might end…in divorce.

She had a huge scowl on her face the entire time waking up.  Her eyes would drift back shut & she’d get a real pissed off look on her face as she shook them back open.  I was afraid those mean eyebrows were going to be directed at those that brought her to the hospital but instead they were just aimed at her eye lids that wouldn’t stay up.  Whew!.

Shu Shu is small but not that small. This just happens to be the world's largest popice!

I helped her to the bathroom once finally awake.  While I held her steady on the pot she looked into my eyes, for what felt like an hour, without blinking.  She then said, “Hey Mom! …why you gots 4 eyes?”

The 1st day was of course a piece of cake.  She came home, she played, she ate a ton… the next day, as expected, was a bit harder.  She was great between doses of Motrin.  The only thing they will give her.  They don’t give narcotics to a tiny kid with sleep apnea because it could dangerously slow breathing.

We are now on day 6ish.  Things are, at times, looking better.  If the girl wouldn’t fight the motrin this would have been a piece of cake.  (for me at least)

I believe it was Saturday, no maybe Sunday -shit I don’t know what day it is today & who cares it doesn’t really matter for this story.

The OTHER DAY I swear I spent over 10 hours concocting different methods of slippin her a mickey.  The girl caught on to me quick.  Even asking at one point to pour her own drink.  So for now we have chucked the niceties out the window & tell her to take the syringe & DO IT!  This only take 45 mins opposed to the 4 hours to get half a dose of motrin down her by way of chocolate pudding.

Jell-O brand chocolate pudding

Image via Wikipedia

Today I plan to ignore the kids & clean.  I looked up for some reason last night & noticed a squirt of blue raspberry medicine had shot my curtain above my sink, the syrup drying just as it began to drip off.  Casualties of war I suppose…along with a few other bizarre things I’ve noticed covered in BLUE syrup.

Shu Shu has wanted her mommy to be by her side through the entire recovery process, so if anyone has seen her…


It’s me.

Back to it I guess…

tonsils tonsilectimy


The Princess & the Frog…in her throat.

Hear ye hear ye… her royal highness Princess Shu Shu Fontain, is going in for a little nip and cauterize. Thats right, you can all kiss those adenoids and tonsils sayonara. 

Today is the big day. The one her mother, the queen, has feared –ever since she suspected that a 35 lb, 4-yr-old shouldn’t snore like a dirty, fat, trucker. So just in case her majesty, the queen, is unable to tell you all a tale for the next couple of days, you will know why! But who knows… she very well may just have MORE stories to entertain… You’ll have to keep your eyes out.

Damn I HATE being up when the birds are waking. It gives me flashbacks to the old days, which results in an immediate hangover…poo.